Thursday, May 22, 2008

love poems & masochistic confessions, pt. 202

I embarrass myself to you
And perhaps I cling too tightly.
Or perhaps it’s just a tighter cling than you’ve felt before.

But all I’m desiring is your patience;
Your faith that I won’t always be like this.
That I’ll be better.
I promise you.


You have no idea how much my heart loves you
& how frequently that makes me the fool
& how frequently I’m embarrassed by that.

You breathe eloquence/ And I pour out perverse anxiety.

(but i don't want to)

I want to say I love you, but I don’t think I know what it means.
I just want it to be said.
I just want to feel the normalcy that comes with contentment.
I want to feel comfortable and OK.

You will never love me
Like I want you to love me.
There is nothing I can do
To make you love me
Like I want you to love me.
That is no secret. It never was.
But it still hurts. And I still keep pretending.

Monday, May 19, 2008

is there ever too much counseling?

it's feeling like i'm drowning.

it's feeling like i'm stuck. no matter where i live, i'll be miserable.

it's not location. it's now how i always tried to blame. it's me.

the first step is supposed to be that i understand i'm powerless over others. but instead i'll change that to be i'm powerless over myself right now. my life has "become unmanageable."

so i'm trying not to drown. i still feel like i'm drowning. but i'm at least doing the doggy paddle.

Saturday, May 3, 2008

i wanted to tell you everything
but now i'm too scared.

(photo by zuzana's computer)